Here are two absolutes I wanted since I got wound up of being pregnant:
1. A normal delivery: I, like most idealistic moms-to-be, had that movie playing in our head... at the end of the three trimesters, I will be woken up in the middle of the night of some sign (pain) that I'm about to give birth. I will then wake my husband (partner) and we will scramble to the hospital, excited, scared, and worried but mostly excited.
2. Breastfeeding solely: It is definitely best for babies up to 2 years. And I was determined to breastfeed entirely for the next two years of my Kulay's life.
These absolutes were to crumble just as I face them.
1. 2 weeks prior to my due date, Kulay my boy has not locked down yet. However, my OB was positive (even more than before) that we could have a normal delivery since according to her external palpation of Kulay in my belly, he wasn't a big baby. The next week, still no lock down. My OB had to check Kulay's head size via a pelvic xray, and he fits. And since at that time, my amniotic fluid was still enough, we were to wait another week to give Kulay a chance to lock down. I tried my best to do a lot of moving around despite the bad weather just so Kulay would find his way down, in fact, I was almost certain that the pain I feel near my vajayjay could be the sign that Kulay has really locked down as he should have. At my Sept. 10 visit, still no luck. Cesarian section it is... to be done on the 12th, a date I picked. (I might as well choose the date since I now have some sort of control on that issue, I wish it was the 9th though).
On the morning of Sept. 12, packed with more clothes than I previously prepacked, armed with my body pillow and comforter, Josua and I head to the hospital knowing I was going to be cracked open at around 10am. We were being expected at the emergency room, although there seem to be no apparent emergency. The OR nurse went down to prep me for the "operation" (first one I've ever had in my entire life) she attached an IV (rather well, so much so that even if it were just hanging by my wrist via plasters it never moved or caused me unnecessary pain), she shaved me in the tummy and "down there" (which sorta shocked me cause my baby wasn't passing through the vajayjay anyway) and she shaved rather vigorously as if I was a pig ready to be slaughtered. When I sorta complained about her vigorous moves, she non-chalantly answered: "Ganyan talaga para matanggal lahat." (It's really that way. So we're sure we remove all the hair.)
We were admitted at 8 am, went to the ward to wait for the operating room to be ready til 9. I met my anesthesiologist at around 9.30. He explained the drug he was going to use, and asked if I want to be awake when Kulay gets out, of course I said yes. And then he joked around with the male nurses about how this motel nearby was servicing transpo for customers in and out of their facility, but before I could say my two cents worth about the joke, he had injected the dormicum to put me to sleep. True to his word, at 10.04 he woke me right when Kulay was out, showed Kulay's face to my groggyness, and even let Kulay latch on one of my nipples for a brief moment. After which I was in a series of groggy wakefulness and sleep. I remember having chills like there's no tomorrow. I remember saying "ang lamig" (It's cold.). I remember a kind nurse wrapping my arms with extra blanket. I remember the other older anesthesiologist reading his newspaper very near my face, and I swear I would strangle him if I sneezed. I remember the clock at 11am, 12nn, and then 1pm.
Then my OB, whom I saw for the first time that morning, told me that she made the incision smaller, although still vertical. As much as the bikini cut would have been good for my body type, we needed a vertical incision so that she could have enough room to biopsy the cysts in both my ovaries. And she then told me another sort of good news and bad news. They found the cyst in my left ovary has ruptured and has spread it's grime in the ovary and the fallopian tube. She was going to try to save the body parts but decided on removing them entirely since the cyst has already ruined and killed the nerves on the tube for it to function normally.
A few minutes later, I saw Kulay's pediatrician, whom I have previosly chosen and spoken to. She says he's okay, realized he could bring him in and then went to the nursery for him. I see my boy and Dra. Torres brings him to my face for a kiss. To the doctors' surprise, I asked the weirdest question: "What color are his balls?" This was a pertinent question as that would declare Kulay's future as a kid. It was reddish and grayish. Which left the thought in my head unanswered, and filed it in my head to check later on as soon as I see him outside the OR. To those who are wondering, the balls would tell if the boy would be fair or dark skinned.
As the people were closing me up, I remember having a conversation with my doctors about my dogs; that I'll be selling some shih tzus and giving away an lab/askal mix pups. Dr. Nablo, the anesthesiologist asked for the only male pup among Tala's lot. And I promised to save it for him. And he said he'll drop by the ward later on to check on me, which was actually just so he could make sure I remember my drugged promise.
I was monitored for about an hour or so, if I'm not mistaken I left the recovery area, which is actually the same operating room, at around 3pm. Josua was right outside waiting for me. I have never seen so much concern and pride. He's already seen Kulay and says he looks like him. In my head I said, "Let me be the judge of that." To me, it really didn't matter much who Kulay looks like as long as he is safe and would be in arms soon.
I was hoping I could see Kulay when I woke up around 6pm, but realized I was attached to the bed with the catheter and since I'm not allowed to lift my head for a while, that would mean, I'll be seeing Kulay the next day. :(
The next day, a Sunday (bad choice to be operated on a Saturday), I was eager to show the nursing staff that I'm all better. I could lift my upper body, sway to the left and the right, and as soon as the attending OB okayed for the catheter to be removed, I asked for the nurse to remove it immediately, she even kindly gave me a sponge bath and changed my hospital gown, I also requested to see Kulay. Soon after, a man trolling a wheelchair appeared, he was to bring me to the Nursery. I saw my boy for the first time without the effects of the sleeping drug and anesthesia. I was teary eyed. I didn't care if the pedia nurse could hear me, with squeaky, cracking, sobbing voice, I sang to Kulay. I stayed only 15mins, Kulay wouldn't latch on both boobs yet, we were both novice at the art of breastfeeding. I went up and changed to my normal clothes, right in time for my visitors arrival, Josua's parents with his niece, Yan-yan; my aunt, Ate Boling; my uncle, Kuya Mon with my cousin Evan; Kuya Leihson and his soon-to-be-wife, Ayha.
Our first family picture was to be taken that afternoon at the nursery nursing/waiting area.
I requested Kulay to be roomed in with me but my pedia arrived at the hospital late that night. Dra. Torres arrived promptly the following day and told me Kulay would be brought to me soon, and she'd be back later that afternoon as soon as my OB signs my release papers.
As I look back, the C-section wasn't that bad after all. The worst part of it was not being allowed to eat and drink until I've farted (to be sure my digestive system (intestines) are aligned). That was the most famished and thirsty I've ever been my entire life. Healing which was my major concern is after all as subjective as one's choice of how they want their eggs done. I am after all a fighter. So I fought the pain. Motherhood is not qualified by what kind of delivery a mother went through. And as I told the student nurse who volunteered to clean Kulay's poop (the first one I witnessed), "Go on... I will have years of cleaning up after my son's mess."
2. Breastfeeding is best for babies up to 2 years. Everyone knows so. To me and my pocket's disappointment, I would have to supplement with the pedia's recommended formula.
Two weeks prior to giving birth I have complained to my OB about a hardness and pain in my left nipple. A pain which even made me sleep sitting down since sleeping on my left side was too much to handle for the said nipple. The pain went away although the blockage stayed. Sad to say, my OB wasn't as concerned as I was. As I have predicted, Kulay wouldn't latch on the left boob, I felt like I was punishing him whenever I'd put him on that teat.
I think it was an infection caused by the cyst's rupture. My OB doesn't seem to agree also she didn't know what to do with it and just adviced me to let Josua suck on the boob to aid in the loosening of the blockage. And we tried all we could do. I had 3 manghihilots see me. They all were able to successfully give my right boob more milk but none of them was able to do anything with the blocked areola/nipple area. We were advised to put chili leaves on the areola, and we did that... For a while I thought it was working. One night, Josua and I even stayed up just pumping and working the blockage out to no avail. For a month now, I have resigned to the fact that I'll only be feeding with my right boob, if one looks closely you'll notice it's bigger than the other. I will have to top up with formula whenever Kulay doesn't seem satisfied; for at least one feeding during the night; and when Kulay seem to cry for the bottle and not my boob.
All I can say is "I tried my best."
